So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
