I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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