i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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