im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
