My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
