I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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