You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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