How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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