the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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