I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize