I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
