I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
