My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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