It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
