So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
