you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
