yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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