I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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