i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
you never un-have a 4some
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
