i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
