Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
