Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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