I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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