Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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