That's intense
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
