btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
