the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
