dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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