She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
