1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
