Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
