Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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