Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
