I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize