remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Pants are for mortals
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
