for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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