Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
