Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
