nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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