I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
