I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
