I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
