He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
