Someone shit on the floor
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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