omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
