i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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