I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
God, I missed his penis.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize