Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize