I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
