Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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