I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
