Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
