I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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