Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
