I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
