Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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