can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
