thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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