Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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