she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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