Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
