He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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