party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
