hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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