Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
